I am no Juliet; She Didn't Stone

I laugh now with ease. like saying, my life is a joke! and I’m actually laughing too.ü I say to you, let me go for now, literally, because of course metaphorically, I’ll always be yours. let me go and see the world, so that one day, when I come back to you I’ll tell you, I’ve been to the world and back, and away from you all I could ever think of was coming back. you see, if I decide to let go of my dreams instead, for you, I know I would be happy, yes, but my mind would keep on wandering still. what if? what if? and you will blame yourself for my unhappiness. and I would keep on saying, no, I am not unhappy, but I know, my subconcious would know regrets. but you see, I just know, after I get all the things I want, I would return to you. without you, something would always be missing. however grand my achievements, however great I become, none of that would matter more to me than what I have with you. our isolation from the rest of the world. the courage I’ve learned to have, even sans the alcohol. how I am because of you . . . sappier, cheesier, and definitely happy about it.ü so cliche, yeah, but what can I do . . . love is the oldest thing there is in existenceü I know I love you.ü

walking after sunsets, sleeping through sunrises

so this is supposed to be months and months worth of post. the biggest news so far, bigger than my current body mass, that is, is, well . . . i’m jaded, finally. that is something. i know that freedom slash relationship thing is only of the mind, and the other person does not literally bind you with “daisy chains” (cynthia alexander), but really, being involved changes everything. i’m thinking, wow, this one guy for the rest of my life? this would have been, for me, a difficult idea to swallow before, but now, yeah, i can honestly say i’m contented with just him from here on. why a difficult idea? well, for one, for some considerable amount of time, i’ve been haunted by this confusing push-and-pull between my great loves, two at the very least. yeah, when they grow tired of me, they push me to the other side, then just about the time i’m about to be finally completely monopolized by the competition, i’m pulled yet back again. and now, here i am, no more confusion, no more wandering . . . sweet, eh? don’t bother looking him up, he’s a nobody. that’s how it is. another cliche. he could be just some random guy to the world, but to me . . . *sigh* call it whatever, my everything, my meaning, yada yada, you get the drift, he’s all that to me . . . ü christ, i can really say i’ve never been happier. my god, some things are really overrated, but this one definitely is not.ü i’ll write some more later, here is a previous post i didn’t get to publish:
***
04-21-2008
Why do I think I’m most dumb when sober? For one, I can’t even give an answer to that question because the alcohol level in my system right now is incredibly low. So maybe insobriety to me is a kind of cure, and I was only afraid to admit that. I don’t think the afterlife gives rewards to people who were able to come out of this world immaculately free of any intoxicant. I can only imagine. “Here you go, for keeping away from temptation, a supply of _____ for eternity!” I think I’d only be interested if they give me a vineyard or something. In my case, since I’m from here, a tubaan would do. It’s like this, when I’m drunk I have an excuse for everything. Why I was able to come up with this idea and that, and why I notice this little detail and that little flaw there. You know, nobody would think it’s brilliance or whatever blah-blah-blah. It was the alcohol. Please, I’m not smart.
The thing is sober people are more accountable for what they do than the drunk ones. Yes, my paradise involves zero responsibility, even for myself. I can hate the very thing I love the most just because somebody started to push it down on me and turned my interest into a responsibility instead.
And I can be as obscene and as blasphemous and as gory as I want to when I’m drunk. Ooooops. Want, huh? I’m only talking about my words, honestly, and my ideas. I am a real lazy ass. Later. Gtg.
***

Half a Circumference Away

so there, another leap. a faithless one. i am laughing here. not the kind that makes the belly hurt. just a slow laugh, a whispered ha-ha. nah, it doesn’t even reach the ears. just a mild self-fascination. oh, i am crazy alright. and yes, the sane kind of crazy.
the tempting thing about the unknown is the sweetness of not having to think of what lies ahead. just now. "knowing there is only now" (cynthia alexander). and however the mountains of regrets come crashing the days after, you would know, nothing would ever compare to that moment when you just let it go, and your weakness gave way to something else . . . some courage that defied everything you’ve ever feared.
of course, always, i would go back to that hammock. a family of three, wearing cool shades. the shadows from the coconuts upon our faces. and the littlest one on his stomach, or on his back (see, he moves a lot in his sleep), lying between us. half yours, half mine.
i’ve done worse than you, but never better.ü

la libertà lo trova

i was willing to give up my freedom for a price, but it was freedom that won’t let me go.

So Long, My Ex-god . . . ü

back to my food symbolisms. i love pizza. say a newly discovered staple comes around. let’s call this new food zchiatz. don’t bother with etymologies; i made that word up. say i used to eat pizza every day, every week, every month. no absence. then zchiatz came along. if i then began to eat zchiatz more frequently than pizza, that means i only had a change of preference. but if i let go of pizza entirely and decided to eat zchiatz every day, every week, every month, without absence, that’s falling out of love with pizza.
so this is how it feels like. there is sadness too. i do remember some things still. i swear i never saw this happening. how can one forget forever? yes, i really did. no more future plans, daydreams . . . and i’m actually fine by it. well, he did break my heart. so maybe it had been on the horizons  all along, and the rain just blinded me. but yes, if i must say it again, i did love him. but yes also, not anymore now, at least not in the way of romantic love.ü
and oh by the way, i love pizza still . . . just symbolisms . . . but with the dude, yes, i’m over him.ü hurrah!ü
and by the way again, i’m not hiding my happiness because he’s happy now also anyways.ü

Strike One . . . Strike Two . . .

i’m liking my newfound nondepth. no more nosebleeds. just living moment for moment, thoughtless. for one, i can now sleep fifteen hours without my head hurting afterward. i’m learning to feel useless. insignificant. anonymous. no more megalomanias. paranoias. nah, believe me, it’s not less fun; it’s not boring. it’s easy on the mind, light on the heart. like cute boys.ü
everything can be induced. no more nice lines from boyband songs. like "sadness is beautiful." nor romantic oneliners from the likes of neyo and 50 cents. yes, i don’t know what i’m talking about here.
one day, i can eat three full square meals, the next i can have barely a bite to eat. my structure is my spontaneity. a conversation in bantayan returns to me. scorpions. if they don’t eat, they’ll just begin to shrink until they’ve metabolized themselves to death. nice, huh?
my home will have a big bed in it. i’m most solitary asleep.

I Think About Ten or So People Know . . .

my many mind deaths.
(there was another line here, i forgot . . . i’ll add it when i rememberü)
the gifts of the magi, reversed,
they give her an island,
she gives them a boat.
how fitting.
truths,
. . .
the difference between a discovery and a natio–err, an invention.
i have one.
it’s a secret.
he-he.
or ha-ha.
it’s ingenious.
it holds another meaning, to me, yet,
but it matters just the same, that other meaning.
like asking me, "should we watch them? we can draw closer . . . "
almost with disbelief, i told you–remember?–"na, let’s stay here, we go closer, they’ll be lookin’ at us instead."
you saw my logic. i didn’t mean it. honestly, you asked me.
ewwwwww.
"now you do it."
"wha–?" double ewwwwww. oooops.
ewwwwww. ewwwwwww.
i did it anyhow.
sliptyt.ü