walking after sunsets, sleeping through sunrises

so this is supposed to be months and months worth of post. the biggest news so far, bigger than my current body mass, that is, is, well . . . i’m jaded, finally. that is something. i know that freedom slash relationship thing is only of the mind, and the other person does not literally bind you with “daisy chains” (cynthia alexander), but really, being involved changes everything. i’m thinking, wow, this one guy for the rest of my life? this would have been, for me, a difficult idea to swallow before, but now, yeah, i can honestly say i’m contented with just him from here on. why a difficult idea? well, for one, for some considerable amount of time, i’ve been haunted by this confusing push-and-pull between my great loves, two at the very least. yeah, when they grow tired of me, they push me to the other side, then just about the time i’m about to be finally completely monopolized by the competition, i’m pulled yet back again. and now, here i am, no more confusion, no more wandering . . . sweet, eh? don’t bother looking him up, he’s a nobody. that’s how it is. another cliche. he could be just some random guy to the world, but to me . . . *sigh* call it whatever, my everything, my meaning, yada yada, you get the drift, he’s all that to me . . . ü christ, i can really say i’ve never been happier. my god, some things are really overrated, but this one definitely is not.ü i’ll write some more later, here is a previous post i didn’t get to publish:
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04-21-2008
Why do I think I’m most dumb when sober? For one, I can’t even give an answer to that question because the alcohol level in my system right now is incredibly low. So maybe insobriety to me is a kind of cure, and I was only afraid to admit that. I don’t think the afterlife gives rewards to people who were able to come out of this world immaculately free of any intoxicant. I can only imagine. “Here you go, for keeping away from temptation, a supply of _____ for eternity!” I think I’d only be interested if they give me a vineyard or something. In my case, since I’m from here, a tubaan would do. It’s like this, when I’m drunk I have an excuse for everything. Why I was able to come up with this idea and that, and why I notice this little detail and that little flaw there. You know, nobody would think it’s brilliance or whatever blah-blah-blah. It was the alcohol. Please, I’m not smart.
The thing is sober people are more accountable for what they do than the drunk ones. Yes, my paradise involves zero responsibility, even for myself. I can hate the very thing I love the most just because somebody started to push it down on me and turned my interest into a responsibility instead.
And I can be as obscene and as blasphemous and as gory as I want to when I’m drunk. Ooooops. Want, huh? I’m only talking about my words, honestly, and my ideas. I am a real lazy ass. Later. Gtg.
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